The Hidden Cost of Trying to ‘Fix’ Your Feelings

We’re often told to check in with how we’re feeling, to look after our mental health and to manage stress where we can. But what happens when that well-meaning instinct turns into something else entirely - a constant need to monitor, analyse and fix every uncomfortable emotion that shows up?

We asked Clinical Psychologist Dr Kristy Potter to explain why this instinct is so strong, what it can lead to over time and what actually helps instead.

 

 

The Habit We Don’t Always Notice

Most of us spend a surprising amount of time trying to manage how we feel. If you pay attention for a day or two, it becomes quite noticeable. A flicker of anxiety appears and the mind immediately starts looking for reassurance. Irritation shows up and we begin searching for ways to calm down. Even a vague sense of restlessness can trigger a quiet internal question: ‘how do I get rid of this?’

Emotions can start to feel like problems waiting to be solved. A dip in mood becomes something to correct. Anxiety is something to calm down. Sadness calls for a quick solution. 

 

The Assumption Behind It All

Underneath all of this sits a fairly simple assumption: difficult emotions shouldn’t really be there, and the faster we can move past them, the better. Most of us learn this idea early in life: feeling good is the goal and feeling uncomfortable is something to fix.

Yet there is a quiet paradox hidden inside that strategy. The more determined we become to feel better all the time, the more attention we end up giving to every uncomfortable emotion that appears. Instead of simply moving through the day, feelings can start to feel like something we need to monitor and manage.

 

 

When Feelings Become Something To Manage

I often see this pattern with people I work with in therapy. Someone might describe waking up slightly anxious and then spending the next hour checking whether the feeling has improved. Another person notices a dip in mood and immediately begins analysing why it’s there and how to get rid of it. Before long, a perfectly ordinary emotion becomes the centre of the morning.

Part of the reason this happens is that the human brain is exceptionally good at solving problems. Across our evolutionary history this ability has been extremely useful. If something looked dangerous, the mind analysed it. If a threat appeared, we worked out how to escape or avoid it. 

 

Why This Approach Backfires

This works in the external world: when something breaks, fixing it is usually the right approach. But emotions are not mechanical faults. They are experiences that come and go as part of being human. When the mind applies the same problem-solving approach to our inner world, things can become complicated. The moment an uncomfortable feeling appears, the brain starts trying to remove it. 

Yet emotions rarely respond well to being treated like faults that need repairing. The more you try to eliminate anxiety, the more attention you end up giving to it. The more closely you monitor your mood, the more noticeable every fluctuation becomes. 

Before long, ordinary emotional ups and downs can start to feel like a personal improvement project. Instead of simply feeling what we feel, we start evaluating it: Is this normal? Should I be feeling this way? How do I make it stop? 

Ironically, the effort to feel better can sometimes amplify the very feelings we’re trying to escape.

 

 

The Control Paradox

Psychologists sometimes refer to this as a control paradox. The more tightly we try to control our inner experiences, the more entangled we can become with them. Thoughts demand more attention. Emotions linger longer. The mind becomes preoccupied with whether we’re feeling the “right” things.

None of this means that wanting to feel better is wrong. Of course we prefer joy to sadness, calm to anxiety. If someone offered us the choice between a peaceful day and a stressful one, most of us wouldn’t hesitate.

The difficulty is that emotional life doesn’t operate like a thermostat that can be permanently set to a comfortable temperature. Feelings naturally rise and fall in response to events, relationships, memories and countless small changes in our environment.

 

A Different Way To Respond

A different approach is to shift the goal slightly. Instead of constantly trying to engineer better feelings, we can experiment with responding to them differently.

In therapy, I often suggest starting with very small changes. 

One is simply noticing the urge to fix the feeling. When anxiety or irritation appears, see if you can pause for a moment and recognise what the mind is trying to do. Very often it’s rushing to solve the emotion as quickly as possible. Just noticing that pattern can create a surprising amount of space.

 

What To Do Instead

In those moments, it can be helpful to try a few simple shifts:

• Notice the fixing instinct - when an emotion appears, see if you can catch the moment the mind starts trying to remove it rather than simply experience it.

• Ask what matters right now: not "how do I feel better?" but "what do I want to do with this moment?"

• Let it be unresolved, not because the feeling is fine, but because emotions aren't actually problems that need solving.

• Stay in contact with what's around you: the conversation, the task, the person in front of you; this isn't distraction, it's redirecting attention to where your life is actually happening.

• Ask what matters right now: not "how do I feel better?" but "what do I want to do with this moment?"

• Move anyway - not despite the feeling, but with it: a full life includes discomfort, not just the moments when it's absent.

 

 

Letting Feelings Come And Go

Interestingly, when we stop treating emotions as problems that must be solved, they often become easier to carry. This doesn’t mean liking difficult feelings, or seeking them out. It simply means recognising that a full human life includes a wide range of emotional experiences.

Moments of uncertainty, frustration or worry are not signs that something has gone wrong. More often, they are the natural by-products of caring about things that matter.

In fact, many of the experiences we value most, such as loving deeply or stepping into new opportunities, inevitably come with some discomfort attached.

Trying to remove those feelings entirely can sometimes shrink our lives in subtle ways.

 

A Lighter Way Forward

Letting go of the constant project of feeling better doesn’t make life perfect. But it can make it lighter. Emotions are allowed to come and go as they naturally do, rather than becoming problems we have to manage all day long. 

And when feelings are no longer something we’re fighting with quite so much, we often discover we have more attention available for the things that really matter.

 

 

Meet Dr Kristy Potter

Kristy is a Clinical Psychologist based in St Peter Port, Guernsey. She provides evidence-based psychological therapy to clients across the Channel Islands and the UK.

She founded Dr Potter Psychology with the aim of offering high-quality, research-informed therapy in a warm and collaborative environment. 

Individual therapy is delivered online and tailored to adults experiencing anxiety, trauma, stress, or adjustment to physical health conditions. Her clinical work is grounded in psychological formulation and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), with a focus on building psychological flexibility and meaningful behavioural change.