Surviving Christmas With The Enneagram

By guest contributor Michelle Johansen 

Christmas can be a wonderful time of year, but there’s no doubt that it can also be a challenging time for relationships. A large part of the stress comes down to the pressure that we put on ourselves, and what we think that those around us expect from us. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The Enneagram, which combines ancient spiritual wisdom with modern psychology, can help us to improve our understanding of ourselves and the people in our lives by giving us an insight into nine distinct personality types. And now it’s time for the Enneagram to show us the way at Christmas.

Local coach Michelle Johansen shares her survival guide, using the Enneagram to break down the habits we find ourselves falling into over the festive period and explore ways to let go of our usual patterns.

Here's what she told us.

 

 

'I’m still an achiever at heart, but learning to have a bit of Boxing Day spirit in my life more often is what now makes Christmas something to look forward to and cherish rather than that old feeling of dread.'

 

Identifying Unrealistic Christmas Goals

Do you love Christmas or find yourself dreading this time of year?

For years and years my favourite part of Christmas was Boxing Day, to the extent that this became my favourite day of the year! On Boxing Day, my dream would be just the two of us, doing absolutely nothing other than sitting by the fire watching films and eating leftovers. 

Hardly remarkable for most personality types, but the amount of preparation my Enneagram 3 Achiever had to do in the weeks, months even, preceding this precious day was off the charts. Shopping, baking, planning, cleaning, crafting, entertaining… the list goes on! You see, the delusion of my Enneagram Personality type is that only when everything is done, do I get to rest. But is getting everything done even remotely possible? Especially when hosting Christmas Day for ten people can leave quite a mess to clear away the next day!

I think my example is pretty typical of what happens with each of the personality types, but in their own unique ways. We all have our own version of where our personality is slaving under the delusion that if we can just do a bit more of this or that, then something good will happen. But sadly that’s rarely true, and it’s our striving towards these illusive goals that leads to us depleting ourselves.

 

Recognising Your Enneagram Type At Christmas

So, are you an Enthusiast, packing the diary with as many fun events are possible, or a Helper, making sure everyone else's needs are met first? Or maybe you're an Individualist who needs to do Christmas differently, to show others how special and unique you are.

Take a look and see if you recognise any of these patterns? You may be able to identify with the traits, regardless of whether you already know your core type or not.

Type 1: The Reformer	I need to take on all of these Christmas tasks and do them myself, because then I will know they have been done correctly. My deep desire - to be a good person.
Type 2: The Helper	I need to go out of my way to make sure everyone else’s Christmas needs are met first, because then I will know others are not feeling badly towards me. My deep desire to feel loved.
Type 3: The Achiever	I need to get all the Christmas preparations done efficiently and in a way that will impress others, because then I will be able to rest. My deep desire - to earn a sense of self-worth through the eyes of others.
Type 4: The Individualist	I need to do Christmas in my own way, it has to be different to what others will expect, they may like it or not, that’s up to them, because then I will feel authentic and true to myself. My deep desire – for others to see how special and unique I am.
Type 5: The Investigator	Oh please, just leave me alone with a good book, don’t expect me to do all that ridiculous commercial stuff, because then I can secretly escape the feelings of inadequacy when faced with the enormity of all that practical and social stuff. My deep desire - to hold back until I know everything so I can feel capable.
Type 6: The Loyalist	I’m anxious for Christmas to go well, I need to think of everything and make sure nothing goes wrong, because then I will be able to stop worrying. My deep desire – to feel safe and supported.
Type 7: The Enthusiast	I just want to have fun! Let’s pack the diary with as many fun events as possible and buy lots of gifts for me, because then I will feel like I’m having a good time. My deep desire – to feel satisfied and have my needs met.
Type 8: The Challenger	Just leave it to me, I’ll take control and make sure those in real need feel cared for at Christmas, because then I will know that I am protecting others. My deep desire – to protect myself from others.
Type 9: The Peacemaker	Whatever you want to do this Christmas is fine by me – I’ll just go along with your plans, because then I will know I’ve been no bother. My deep desire – to feel peaceful and avoid any chance of conflict.

 

 

'Over the past few years our family has worked together to simplify Christmas...  Of course, that might not work for you, but the key is having the conversations with your loved ones to see which traditions you want to keep and which you want to adapt.'

 

Spotting Behaviour Patterns

Do you recognise any of these patterns in yourself or others? 

Obviously, these vignettes only show a snippet, there are many other nuances for each type. Plus we are all the types in our own unique combination so it’s likely you might identify with more than one.

Working with the wisdom of the Enneagram means we first have to start noticing some of these deep behaviour patterns in ourselves, and then treat ourselves with love and kindness for having these patterns. It can be painful to realise our deep desires are just not achievable in the way we’ve been doing life, and that freedom actually comes from doing the opposite of our natural style and exploring the gifts of the type in the direction of the arrows which have been traditionally seen as the “Stress Type”.

 

Knowing Your Core Type

If you already know your Core Type, or can recognise your Type from the descriptions above, then consider how you can work with others this Christmas by identifying your ”Gift Type”

This will help you learn to let go and do the opposite of your usual pattern so you can recover some of your energy to allow you thrive at Christmas, not just survive it.

 

Core Type	Gift Type	Harvest Your Gifts
Type 1: The Reformer	Type 4: The Individualist	4s are great at feeling their emotions. 1s generally don’t get much past frustration – so draw on the 4s gift to get in touch with something you actually want to do for yourself this Christmas. Then do it.
Type 2: The Helper	Type 8: The Challenger	8s are great at drawing boundaries, so 2s draw on this quality by getting in touch with where you need to say no instead of yes to other people’s demands. Then say no with love.
Type 3: The Achiever	Type 9: The Peacemaker	9s are great at relaxing, so 3s learn from them by taking a rest day before Christmas. It will mean you might actually be able to enjoy Christmas rather than wish it was over. Find a date in your diary.
Type 4: The Individualist	Type 2: The Helper	2s are great at connecting with people, while 4s generally tend to withdraw. So 4s try spending some time just hanging out in other people’s company without needing to be seen by them as anything special. Just hang out.
Type 5: The Investigator	Type 7: The Enthusiast	7s are great at having fun, while 5s tend to avoid social events. So 5s have a good think about what fun looks like for you and plan something that you will really enjoy this Christmas.
Type 6: The Loyalist	Type 3: The Achiever	3s are great at achieving stuff without sweating the small stuff. So 6s, without throwing complete caution to the wind, have a go at not over-thinking things to find more balance this Christmas.
Type 7: The Enthusiast	Type 1: The Reformer	1s are great at structure and discipline. So 7s take a good look at that diary and cross out a few things so you can better enjoy the events you actually do attend this year. Try getting somewhere on time and staying until the end!
Type 8: The Challenger	Type 5: The Investigator	5s are great at being alone. So 8s draw the curtains, sit by the fire and pick up a book. The world can look after itself for once.
Type 9: The Peacemaker	Type 6: The Loyalist	6s are the worry warts of the Enneagram, so how is that a gift? Well, 9s tend to ignore themselves and their needs so much they forget who they are. By getting in touch with a bit of the worry underneath the calm they can remember what they need to do for themselves. Remember 9s you are important, you do matter, and you deserve to have your needs met too.

 

 

Finding Ways To Simplify Christmas

Over the past few years our family has worked together to simplify Christmas. We have dropped giving presents except for children and a Secret Santa for the adults. We meet all together for one big family meal on one day only and take turns in hosting each year. And each household is asked to bring a game for Christmas day entertainment, so it doesn’t all fall on the host. Of course, that might not work at all for you, but the key is having the conversations with your loved ones to see which traditions you want to keep and which you want to adapt. 

So yes, our Christmas is less frantic than it used to be with less need for prepping and panicking. But the biggest change is me not pinning all my hopes on a single annual do-nothing day on Boxing Day. Ok I’m still an achiever at heart, but learning to have a bit of Boxing Day spirit in my life more often is what now makes Christmas something to look forward to and cherish rather than that old feeling of dread.

 

About Michelle

Michelle Johansen is a Professional Certified Coach focusing on Coaching with Systemic Constellations and the Enneagram, alongside teaching the Enneagram to small groups in person and online in a way that is both easily accessible and of direct benefit to people in understanding themselves and their relationships.

 

If you would like to know more, take a look at 9 Ways We View The World With The Enneagram and How Your Enneagram Type Can Help You In Love.

Michelle also gives an overview of Systemic Constellations in What If It Didn't Start With Me.