A Mother's Story Of The Devastating Impact of Coercive Control On Her Son

TW: This article contains details of incidents of domestic abuse

There is a wealth of literature about male dominance, domestic abuse and coercive control of women. However, female dominance, domestic abuse and coercive control of men is rarely discussed. That needs to change, because domestic abuse can happen to anyone. In fact Safer, the local charity that supports those experiencing domestic abuse, estimates that one in six men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime.

This is a personal portrayal of controlling behaviour from a mother who's son was subjected to abuse by his wife.

She wants to raise awareness, and let men who find themselves in similar situations know they are not alone. She also wants to encourage you to reach out if you have a son, brother, friend or relative and you suspect they are suffering abuse.

All names have been changed.

 

 

The Early Days.

Paul met Gemma at work where both have professional careers. Paul had just finished university and had started his first job. His plan was to work for a couple of years then take a year or two out to travel. He had had a few relationships by this stage but nothing too serious. Gemma was five years older and had worked for the same organisation as Paul for a while. She had more experienced with relationships, having lived with partners before.

From the beginning, Gemma set her sights on Paul. She was a woman on a mission. Her biological clock was ticking, her younger sibling was getting married before her, she was worried about ‘being left on the shelf’ and was desperate to get married and have children.

Paul was an easy target. Being naïve, inexperienced and a genuinely nice guy, he was flattered by the full-on attention and charm of Gemma. Their personalities seemed complimentary; he is laid back, caring and shy, she is animated, driven and very confident.

From my perspective, initially I was pleased to see them together. On the surface, she appeared to come from a nice family, was attractive and intelligent. Within a year, they were living together, then engaged, and married after two years. Two children came along in quick succession. It had been a whirlwind romance that she had controlled and pushed for from the beginning.

 

On reflection, there were many red flags that we let go, or decided not to challenge to ‘keep the peace’ and ‘not rock the boat’.

 

The Red Flags.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. The saying ‘marry in haste repent at leisure’ applied.

As time passed, we became aware of the dynamics in Gemma’s family. Her mother exerted control over her husband and bullied her in-laws and family. While this behaviour was deemed normal in their family, it was alien to ours.

Gemma was also good at getting her own way, either by manipulation, tears, tantrums, or the silent treatment. She seemed unable to tolerate another point of view to her own either at work or at home. Personality clashes and problems were commonplace. Most notably, she had no close friends, relying instead on her family who sadly colluded with and perpetuated her behaviour.

On reflection, there were many red flags that we let go, or decided not to challenge to ‘keep the peace’ and ‘not rock the boat’.

 

If this had been my daughter, I would have asked sooner and acted sooner too. With my son, I was very aware that if I was seen to interfere, it would not be appreciated.

 

The Escalating Situation.

The first change I noticed was my son gradually becoming quieter and more distant. He was often worried and looked sad. He lost a lot of weight. He was never a great talker, but he became almost monosyllabic. Family meals and events were strained, depending on her mood and if there was an atmosphere between them. Her mood was palpable, and she would glare at him, or whisper in his ear. They would often arrive late and leave early.

There is a saying: ‘your son is your son until he gets him a wife, your daughter is your daughter for the rest of her life’ On reflection, if this had been my daughter, I would have asked sooner and acted sooner too. With my son, I was very aware that if I was seen to interfere, it would not be appreciated. It was hard to get to talk to him on his own. So, I assured him of our support, and I watched and waited. He matured over those five years and came to realise that he had made a huge mistake. When he began standing up for himself, her tantrums, tears, and control escalated.

She enlisted the help of her mother to berate him and thought nothing of using the children against him, threatening that if he left her, he would lose them.

 

The Turning Point.

The turning point came when Gemma went on holiday for a week without Paul and the children. Paul was like a different man. He was calm, happy, and relaxed. We enjoyed a week of fun with the children and had some heart-to-heart talks about his situation. He said that Gemma being away was like having a dark cloud lifted. It gave him the opportunity to think clearly and talk honestly about his situation. Paul decided it was time to leave Gemma.

I was devastated when he told us about the extent of the abuse. The pain of hearing what she had done to him was overwhelmingly painful and affected me deeply.

Coercive control is insidious, it can be very subtle, and the effects accumulate over time. The ‘bad’ times and harsh words can be punctuated by ‘good’ times and false positives which adds to the confusion. A person’s self-worth, self-esteem and confidence becomes eroded away like a dripping tap.

 

 

If these signs resonate with you, and you are a man being abused, please speak to someone. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

The Signs To Look Out For.

Some of the signs that you might be in a controlling relationship are as follows:

 

1.  Unreasonable Demands. 

These are often followed up by threats, pressure, or physical restraint if you do not agree to them. Following you around the house arguing, putting their foot in the door if you try to leave. Nagging, demanding, sulking, crying, continual fault finding.

2.  Degradation. 

Malicious name–calling, eye-rolling or bullying behaviour. Criticising efforts to cook, clean, maintain a home, learn new skills, and take up new hobbies. Constant belittling behaviour in private and front of your friends or family, designed to make you feel worthless. Recruiting family members to join in with the abuse by giving them a false one-sided account of your behaviour. Acting the victim and asking them to fight your ‘battle’ on your behalf. This adds to the shame and isolation. Especially for men.

3.  Restricting Daily Activities.

Whether it is your daily jog, sports, or meeting your family and friends. If you feel increasingly unable to carry out a normal routine, it is usually a strong signal for concern.

4.  Threats or Intimidation. 

If your behaviour is not to their liking, you are threatened or intimidated into changing it. This can include sex too. Threatening to take the children away, restricting access is common.

5.  Financial Control. 

This can include constant monitoring of your spending or giving you an unreasonable allowance to live off (often it is your own money they are controlling). Checking purchases and questioning why they were made, undermining choices. Keeping shared money back for themselves, having a secret account.

6.  Monitoring Time. 

Stalking your movements, unwanted contact, constant messaging, and telephoning or being controlling about how you spend your time is a form of coercive control.

7.  Restricting Communication.

Taking your phone away. Reading emails and messages, listening in on telephone conversations, recording conversations, changing passwords to your iPad or laptop so you can’t use them. This also includes any form of restricting access to communication, information, or services.

8.  Isolation.

The same goes for restricted your mobility. If you are unable to leave the house or use your car because they won’t allow it, or if your partner's behaviour isolates you from friends, family, or colleagues, then it is important to seek help.

9.  Deprivation of Food. 

Constantly and purposefully either taking your food away, or limiting your allowance is controlling, abusive behaviour.

10.  Destruction of Possessions. 

Whether it is emails or text messages, letters, or possessions. It may be something valuable or sentimental, for example gifts given to you or your children from family or friends.

 

 

The Way Forward.

If these signs resonate with you, and you are a man being abused, please speak to someone. It is nothing to be ashamed of. If you have a son, brother, friend or relative and you suspect they are suffering abuse, ask them if you can help. Paul said he didn’t speak up because he was too ashamed and embarrassed to admit his situation. Some men have been so desperate that they have taken their own lives.

It is now five years since Paul left Gemma. She still tries to control him.

He is an exceptional father and enjoys shared care of his children. He has met a lovely new partner. He is resilient.

He has our unwavering support.

 

Safer Guernsey

The team at Safer support people in the Bailiwick who are suffering from any form of domestic abuse, offering free and confidential support to anyone who needs their help. With local statistics reflecting those in the UK, one in three women around one in six men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime, so there is most definitely a need for the support services Safer provide.

Safer's priority is personal safety, and they work on an individual plan to meet the needs of each client, supporting them, and their children, to become Safer in a way that is best suited to their needs. This includes BeSafer a site dedicated to young people where they can access information about relationships. 

The team provides a 24/7 service to anyone in the Bailiwick who wants their help and is suffering from any form of domestic abuse, and they offer both adult and children’s services. In the case of an emergency, call 999.